Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes

Post by Ikram45 on Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:24 am

Share all the Jokes here

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it
to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in
the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want,
son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said
the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves,
he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son!
May I ask youa question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I
take the dollar, the game is over!”

:lol:

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
:tongue:
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by MoonCookieChan on Fri Sep 30, 2011 9:07 pm

Ways to annoy people:
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by Ikram45 on Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:55 am

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses
will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see
2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until
now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend
to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by MoonCookieChan on Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:59 am

LOL completely true. I got so tired of Windows I switched to Chrome.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Swearing is allowed, by the by. >.> Not too much though.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by Frog Jamas on Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:29 am

A couple decides to go to a local Chinese restaurant for their
anniversary. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's
special Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a
lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife reaches to remove the lid, it rises and she briefly
sees two beady little eyes looking at her before the lid slams back
down. Frightened, she asks her husband "Did you see that?" He hadn't, so
she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and just before he
touches the lid it again rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid firmly slams back down.

A bit frightened, he calls the waiter over, tells him what happened and demands an explanation.

The waiter asks "What did you order?"

"The Chicken Surprise."

"Oh, I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you the Peking Duck!"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by Frog Jamas on Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:32 am

An Illegal Alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.

The bartender asks: "What can I get you, Mr. President?"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by MoonCookieChan on Thu Oct 06, 2011 2:46 am

Lol, very funny jokes. ^^

http://www.funny.co.uk/real-life/mcdonalds-application-form/

The funniest thing in the world, in my opinion.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by poush on Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:44 pm

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by poush on Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:56 pm

A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.

A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.

"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"

"You mean if I become very sick?"

"Well . . . yes."

"If that happens, call a doctor!"

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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by poush on Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:58 pm

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by magicmagick on Sun Jan 29, 2012 2:11 am

windows joke is funny.

it is true.

I tried using one of Ubuntu systems but it seems to be full of bugs and errors so I have give it up.

and so I'm using my Vista...

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Re: Funny Jokes

Post by MoonCookieChan on Sun Jan 29, 2012 2:18 am

Here's one:

top ten least popular self help books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

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Re: Funny Jokes

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